Past and present
by MiaRain
Summary: Ryuichi felt alone. Not just at the time, but always. He can’t help it as old habits come back to haunt him. A time he wished to forget. A time in the world where he had nothing, he was alone. Some painful memories come rushing back to haunt him.
1. Chapter 1

Okay, this is my first RyuXTat's Fan fiction. I just adore these couple, and so far, people posted sad fictions. Weeeeeeell, this is one too! Well, sort of.

Ryuichi shows his true side. A reason behind Kuma, why he's so 'messed up', some might sadly say. All of your questions about Ryu's going to be released.

Err; at least I will try to. I'm not very good at using people I haven't created myself. Just bare with me, you don't know what he thinks about, anyway. =P

_**DESCRIPTION:**_ Ryuichi felt alone. Not just at the time, but always. He can't help it as old habits come back to haunt him. A time he wished to forget.

A time in the world where he had nothing, he was alone. A time where Kuma hadn't existed. Some painful memories come rushing back to haunt him.

_**DISCLAIMER~:**_ I do not own Gravitation. Nor will I ever… *sniffle*

* * *

I'm done. I just can't handle it anymore; reality.

Days go by, and thousands of people say they love me all the time. But there's never a person who truly means it. The hole in my chest makes me weak.

How can three simple words make you miserable without them? No one will ever be able to tell me, I never ask.

Each day I go around with a fake smile at times, even at my worst state of mind. I bounce around and I'm so happy and energetic. People I care about, I work

with them every day. But when me and Kumagoro go home, and everybody says their goodbye's, I'm faced with my gigantic, lonely house.

Kumagoro is the only one who comforts me at home. But it still doesn't fill the gap. Heh, I even have a punching bag with the words, 'love me' on it.

I always use it to let out my anger. I'm not sparkly when I build too much inside. Besides, it's my only release…

Speaking of release, I used to cut myself. I used to cut myself bad. That's why I always wore long sleeve shirts and cool sweaters. No one would have thought

THE Ryuichi Sakuma was EMO. Back then, maybe they would believe it if the rumors spread. But Tohma knew better. Yes… Tohma knew me like he knew

himself, inside and out. He was able to protect me, I never knew why he did such nice things for me, until we became good friends.

Back then, we were mere band mates. We were formed together in our band, not by choice, but by our musical talent. I put myself all out there. You could

learn twenty things about me in seven minutes without really knowing me, or the truth. Complicated answers, not lie's. In a way, I could make them true.

But Tohma saw past that act. He was the one who really knew who I really was. And sooner than later, he would break my mask without my knowing.

Deep down, he knew I hid lots of secrets. He was waiting for me to crack.

The day he found me furiously cutting my arms, is the day he broke my mask and gave me Kuma as a shield. He smiled a true, sincere smile, and told me I

could give him my secrets. He told me Kuma was hand made by a master toy sewer. He made it especially for me. He told me to tell Kumagoro of my pain,

and not hurt myself like this. And ever since, we became close. I told my little pink plush things I would never tell others. Maybe not even Tohma,

if he didn't already know.

But… my ears long for those words. My breathe wants to catch at the touch of the person. My body wants to be held. My heart wants to be loved.

My pain wants to be healed. But no matter what, love doesn't just come knocking at your door…

Three loud knocks on his front door startled him back into reality. Nobody ever visits him, or, at least not without calling first. His heart beat quickened.

_Who could it be? What if… what if this moment was destined to come true? _He thought.

Slowly, he gets off the cold tile of his bathroom and makes his way towards the front door. _Should I open it? I don't want to… I-I'm scared._

As he unlocked the door, his legs stared shaking and his hands started trembling. The door opened to find a young black haired teen, shaking with cold.

"H-hi Ryu-kun! I was going to catch a train back to Kyoto, but knowing how close I was to your house, I came to visit even though…" He suddenly stopped talking and

paused. Then he stepped forward; softly, he put his cold hand on Ryuichi's cheek, wiping away some tears at the corner of the man's eye with his thumb.

"Ryu-kun, what's the matter?" Tatsuha asked softly, stepping back a little, making sure he wouldn't betray himself by capturing the older man's cute, pouting lips.

Now realizing he forgot to wipe his tears away, he blurted the first thing that came to mind. "Oh Tat's-kun," he cried, "I lost Kumagoro and I can't find him!

I didn't know he was missing until I got out of the shower!" He threw his arms around the younger teen that was nearly equal height;

Ryuichi being mere inches taller.

Tatsuha gave a small smile at the man. _Typical Ryuichi, _He thought. "It's OK, I'll help you find him." Ryuichi sniffled once, then let go of Tatsuha

just as fast as he latched himself on to him. "Are you cold Tat's-kun?"

Tatsuha looked down and realized he was still shaking. It was super cold, it was raining, a thunder storm was coming, AND it was in the middle of winter.

Yet, he was ignorant enough to only have a t-shirt, leather pants, and muddy shoes.

"Ye-yeah, I g-guess you could s-say that." He said through chattering teeth.

"Come in before you catch a cold, silly. I think I have something that will fit you." Ryuichi pulled Tatsuha in. Once he was done locking the door's locks, he

grabbed Tatsuha's hand and dragged him to his room.

"I'll get you a towel, so take your shirt off. Sorry if the room is messy, Kumagoro always…" He paused, fake tears glistening in his eyes. "Kuma's missing…" He

whispers.

Tatsuha, feeling a great deal of sympathy for his idol, not realizing his intentions, walked over to Ryuichi and wrapped his arms around the man. He then pulled

back a little. "Don't cry Ryu-kun, we'll find him, I promise." Tatsuha and Ryuichi's faces began to turn red at the same time. Ryuichi trembled slightly as he realized

they were so close together, looking into each others eyes without speaking. But for Tatsuha, it was merely the thought of his sexy idol so close to him,

his soaked T-shirt; the wetness seeping onto Ryuichi's shirt, onto his lithe body…

Remembering what he was about to do minutes ago, Ryuichi hurriedly said, "Ha-ha, Tatsuha! You're getting me wet now! Can I go get you're towel? The sooner you

take your freezing clothes off, the faster we can get you warm." He pushes away from Tatsuha, almost hesitantly. "Hey, where were you coming from, anyway?

You should have known it was going to rain. And where's your jacket?" He scolded.

"Here and there, not really anywhere." He coolly replies to the first question. Ryuichi scowls. "And that means you were…?" Tatsuha smiled, and opened his arms wide.

"I've been out and about. Literally everywhere." He grins as Ryuichi pouts. "You never tell me where you go. You're such a meanie." Tatsuha pats Ryuichi's head.

"It's my job to make you mad. Your pout is adorable~!" Ryuichi rolled his eyes, heart pounding fast although he was used to these seductive comments.

Over the past couple months, Tatsuha and myself have become closer. Sure, I knew of his addictiveness of me, but who doesn't like me? And that problem

hasn't affected our friendship. Tatsuha just so nice and straight forward! Maybe that's why I love him…

"Yoo-hoo! Ryu, you there?" He tapped Ryuichi's head with his barely noticeable shaking finger.

"Huh?"

"What are you day dreaming about? Or should I say _who_ were you day dreaming about?" Asked the teen, arms crossed, leaning back slightly, not to far since he was

supporting himself.

"W-what are you talking about?" Ryuichi asked, giggling nervously, a little caught off guard.

Tatsuha smirked, a tint of… jealousy in his eyes? "Just a minute ago, you went all googly-eyed and started day dreaming."

Ryuichi laughed softly, a slight flush warming his cheeks from the accusation. "How do you know I was day dreaming?" He huffed, not liking how Tatsuha

always knew when he was doing something he thought no one would know he was doing, like day dreaming or being deep in thought.

"Because, one, I called you're name about seven times. Two, you're face was turning red. And three, you were looking right at me when I was calling you.

Anyone would call that creepy. But for some strange reason, I found it a little adorable." Ryuichi crossed his arms, all anger gone as he smiled devilishly.

"You're lucky I don't have Kuma. Otherwise, I would have thrown him at you… if only I knew where he was." He sighed miserably, now realizing Kumagoro really was lost.

He plopped onto his bad, sadness crossing his features. But he jumped when Tatsuha's voice filled the room.

"God, Ryu! Have you no faith in my bounty hunting ability? If I can find you in the NG building, I sure as hell can find Kuma. I'll find him, believe it!" Ryuichi giggled at that

comment and Tatsuha's (1) _Naruto_ pose.

"Oh Tatsuha, you're the best ever, na no da!" Tatsuha smiled as Ryuichi ran off to the bathroom for a towel. Once he came back and I was changed, the hunt for

the little plush had begun. Which mean for Tatsuha, a whole day with Ryu! And For Ryuichi, a whole day with Tat's-kun!

* * *

Naruto is a well known ninja anime, I guess in Japan and the U.S.A. (I love Naruto~!) Naruto always tends to say 'believe it'. It's his main catch phrase.

So what did you think? It took me about two or three months to write this. And I wrote this story down, like, for three or four months, maybe even five!

I don't remember. If it's not what you expected it to be, oh well. I hate to disappoint, but I love this story, since I wrote it! ^-^

Please review, but be light if you want to flame me. Flames are welcome, though. They keep my feet warm when I write at night. ^.~


	2. Waiting To Inhale

I am sooooooooo sorry! Will you all forgive me for not writing sooner? It's been, like, about a year! *sobs* Don't hate me! And I'm sorry that this poem is all I have to give to you now. This poem may uncover some truth of Ryuichi's past. I had no intention of writing this poem for the story at first. But I feel guilty. Truth is, I'm just a lazy teen who can't depend on her grammar if her life depended on it. Sorry I'm so useless. *rolls around on ground* ha-ha~ And please don't throw flames at me even though they make me warm. =P

**Warning: **This chapter contains life or death situations.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Gravitation. But if I did, I would make Shuichi cuter in the manga.

_Waiting To Inhale_

* * *

It hurt.

His lungs burned a little.

He couldn't breathe.

The feeling of sinking, sinking into darkness.

Sinking.

Sinking.

He feels his body began to float up lightly.

He's floating lightly now.

There's little light in there.

Mommy looks at him in a way.

Why does she look like that?

He doesn't know.

She opens her mouth.

Only bubbles come out.

She looks like she's playing with her belt.

He doesn't play because his was never on.

His vision goes funny.

Mommy looks blurry.

He smiles.

He exhales his breathe too.

Bubbles come out.

Now his eyes close for a moment.

He was scared at first, but now he's not.

He feels his body relax.

He's no longer frightened.

He feels himself float even more.

Floating.

Floating.

He stops floating.

His eyes open.

It's the cars' roof.

He pushes himself back down.

He opens his mouth to giggle.

Water comes in.

He's choking.

He forces his mouth close.

His eyes close again.

So tired…

Darkness engulfs him.

Goodbye light.

Goodbye earth.

Bye mommy and Kuma.

Now he's unconscious.

* * *

I'm sorry if it sounds depressing. This poem made me very sad as I wrote it. But now that I told myself to write it for this story, I have a lot more idea's and more to the story. Sorry, not the RyuXTatsuha you were anticipating. Sorry~ Anyway's I will try to finish my other stories. I know I really have no right to say this, but the new stories on fan fiction, by reading their name's and description, has made me a bit depressed. Why can't Shuichi and Yuki be happy for once? Lol~


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